Monday, May 29, 2006

Die bitch die...


I hate her... I hate her... I hate her. She sucks. She cant act. She isn't articulate or sophsticated. She's sloppy and she's loud. And now, she's BACK!!

Seriously I thought they gave her the Filmfare awards for Best Actress after Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham because she had promised she'd never return to haunt Bollywood again. That was the year I was officially disillusioned from Bollywood, & stopped watching award ceremonies & suchlike (I was an absolute junkie before that). The only saving grace was that she was quitting Bollywood to settle-vettle and have a family-shamily. But all that is now history.

I'd gladly do Kareena Kapoor's pet dog's poo anyday of the week than go watch a Kajol movie. She cant act, has the same facial expressions in every film... same diction and same uh.... loud-punjabi-chic-i-dont-care-for-makeup-shit attitude!

That plain sucks. Dont know where to start with her... the shameless marketing of the shahrukh-kajol "the-last-time" gimmick for a crapfest of a movie & then even more shamelessly walking away with the Filmfare award; or the appearing on national television on buddy Karan Johar's mispelt Coffee show to ruin all his attempts at a dignified interview with her loud guffaws & oo-iam-so-above-hypocrisy-&-pretension-put-ons persona.

Yes bitch we get it. We get it you are not like other actresses (except maybe amisha, kareena, bipasha) who have a little something called "tact" which you dismiss as hypocrisy! We get it you are dumb and do not care for make-up. In fact the stories of how she gives makeup artists a pain in the ass are legendary & she'll proudly share it with you over a loud cup of tea, lassi-shassi & roti & chicken boti!

But am I missing the point? What's there to be proud of? Bitch you are working in a commercial masala movie where the most you have to do is look good. If you cant do the the one thing you are supposed to do - which incidentally you wont do yourself & have a Rs 150 per hour artist to do it for you, who by the way hasnt had anything to eat since morning (because you reached the set 4 hrs late idiot). And now the poor fellow has to put up with your tantrums about how you dont care about makeup & get pissed upon by the director/producer who'll scream their ass off claiming he was not doing his job effectively.

God! If I was the makeup man... I would have shoved the powder puff up her giant ass (dwarfed only by one Mandira Bedi) so she could fart talcum & foundation all her life!

PS: This post is a direct result of my mother's gentle query whether I would be kind enough to take her to watch Fanaa. Any statements therefore conveyed in this post which may have hurt/changed the way you thought about your on-screen goddess, is deeply regretted & blamed squarely upon my mother's shoulders.

Iam sorry Kajol-lovers, this post wasnt meant for idiots like you!

PS#2: A must-read for all your caffiene needs

Friday, May 26, 2006

X-Men & Da Vinci Code: A Double Movie Review!

Ok, I promise. After this there wont be movie-reviews for a long time. Frankly thought about posting one of the stories here, but then shelved it. Anyways, today was an eventful day. Saw two exteremely hyped movies. Had my cents to share, so without much ado here it is!

PS: Spoilers ahead. Just scroll down to the Da Vinci Code review... there is nothin much to spoil there.

X-MEN : The Last Stand**

Iam a sort of moderate X-Men fan. Moderate because I havent read a lot of X-Men comics, but two of my closest friends are junkies for the series. It was largely their enthusiasm which swept me to go see the movie, 1st day... 1st show.

The first two movies... well, frankly had not stood out for me. A lot of characters were missing. Storylines were slightly weak (especially the first movie) and it had the typical Hollywood treatment, where the true essence of the comic strip was often lost.

Not now. Maaaan! This was THE real thing. In my opinion, it was the best superhero movie ever! Has a very tight script, which takes off right from the last movie where Jean Grey is lost in the flood after the dam broke. (if u havent watched the previous movie... it's ok, nothing much to relate to there)... she is rediscovered, and just as in the comics the darker side of her psyche's tremendous powers are revealed. The Phoenix Force!

The special effects are seen to be believed. The Phoenix Force is just SO... SO powerful, man it just blows your mind off! Anyhow, the story goes that a new "cure" for the mutant phenomenon is discovered, owing largely to the abilities of a rather strong mutant kid who's power is basically that he can suppress the mutant gene in other mutants around him! Or rather... he can cure mutants.

I wont give away much of the plot. But the action sequences are brilliant. Acting is top-notch except for the kid who plays Iceman. He constantly looks constipated. And the whole iceman-rogue-shadowcat triangle seems a little jarring with the flow of the movie.

The movie also shows us some of the more incredible powers of the X-Men, in effect upholding the essence of the comics rather than hollywoodising the whole deal! There is a sequence where Magneto rips a whole bridge and transports it across the river. Some people might say that's too much, but comic-lovers would instantly relate to that. Magneto has powers which can rip apart cities!

The bringing in of characers which are the core of the series like - the Beast, Angel, Juggernaut, etc. Also a lot of interesting characters are brought in. They all have their bits to do, makes for a very interesting watch.

Freaky-Chakra's Rating: 8.5 out of 10

Highlight of the Movie: The last sequence, where Wolverine is the only one who can step up to the massive Phoenix Force amidst the destruction. It's brilliant! Just makes you wanna go & grow claws! Argggh...

THE DA VINCE CODE

Ever watched a movie which you felt that was not going to stand up to expectations... then as the film ends, credits roll & you step out of the theatre, you start absorbing it in totality and realise just how BIG the movie is. You realise how wrong your initial modest expectations from the movie were. You realise that this movie was such a colossal piece of crap that "feeling let down" is not the point of contention... it's whether you can retain your sanity thereafter!

I mean I havent read the novel. And if it is anything like the shoddy shitfest the movie is, then my decision not to read it stands vindicated. I mean dont get me wrong, even in this massacre of an adaptation I could figure out what was essentially a very racy, compact and thrilling historical mystery.

But let me assure if that is what you go looking for in the movie... you shall not feel any of the mentioned things... not once during the whole movie. How someone like Ron Howard manages to make a movie that has such a potentially strong thrilling script, into one which during its entire length never - AND I MEAN NEVER - thrills.

It just goes on and on and on like a drab Doordarshan broadcast you are forced to watch when the cable tv connection is down. Tom Hanks, great actor... does absolutely nothing in the movie. Why he chose such a poorly scripted film? I can only guess, he has too much money already.

All the other actors in the film are equally confused and ineffective. Cannot really fault them much, because quite simply the script does not bring out any kind of characterisation for them to feed off. The whole movie is just a chronicle of the events that take place in the novel... no character development, no nothing.

And just precisely why does a kind of vision thingie regarding planets & solar-system comes to Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks) when he cracks the code, is still something I cant guess. I understand the whole Newton logic which he explains later, and maybe there is some more sound analogy in the novel... but the shitty, forced use of effects here just has to seen to be believed.

But dont take the "seen to be believed" seriously. You can easily pass this one & then later smirk at your friends and say - "Haha, suckers!'.

Freaky Chakra Rating: N.A.
Highpoint of the Movie: Go ask Ron Howard!

Thursday, May 25, 2006

On a high!

1. Got an email from a female called Satrupa.
2. She asked me to check a website called www.oxfordbookstore.com
3. There they had the results of a short-story contest called the E-Author 4.0
4. The three winners of the contest were called Joan Pinto, Madhulika Liddle & Uma Girish.
5. Scrolling down, there were the names of 5 others, who were a part of the original shortlist of 8 from which the 3 winners were picked...

... among them were the entries of a person called ravikant kisana!*

6.... Am pretty ecstatic!

PS: *that would be me, in case you didnt realise already! Anyways, do read the stories if you can! :)

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Lesson of the day...

... dont ever call a bloody idiot - "a bloody idiot", because then the bloody idiot will act like a bloody idiot and call you a bloody idiot.

Go figure!

Monday, May 22, 2006

Lord of the Rings: Movie Vs the Book



VS
Well, something wonderful happened during my recent trip to Punjab. Something I've been waiting to write about ever since. It was at the wheelers on howrah station, where I went to buy the usual Outlook kinda magazines and suchlike, when suddenly my eyes fell on a fat book sitting next to one by Sidney Sheldon. I promptly rescued JRR Tolkien from this indignity.

Ever since I've been consumed by the Book. Finished it in a week (i know that's not a great feat, but I have a proven track-record to not finish books over 500 pages). Now, I had seen the LOTR movies and was not exactly bowled over as I should've been. I always intended to compare the two, now that I've finally read LOTR (and feel like an authority on it, just like everyone else does after reading it the first time).
So without further ado...

# Where the hell was Tom Bombadil?

# Wherefrom did the company of elves come to aid the seige at Helm's Deep?

# Why was Helm's Deep made into a Battle of Thermopylae kinda situation.

# Deneathor, the steward of Gondor, a character so proud & strong that Gandalf respected him & Sauron had to trick to get into his mind... a complete caricature in the movie. Why Gandalf even strikes Deneathor with his staff! What the...!

# Where were the rest of the Dundain?

# Merry & Pippin. Again caricatures of their characters in the book.

# Eowyn & Theoden have a Hollywood-dialogue. Puhleeez!!

# Gimli, the dwarf was well aware of the fact that Balin's expedition to take the Mines of Moria had perhaps run into grave trouble. Yet in the movie Gimli was shown to be shocked by the very news!

# And the one I simply cannot get over. The last sequence in Return of the King, when Aragorn and company are standing on the gates of Mordor. A shadow passes over Aragorn, before he redeems himself by the now famous lines: "For Frodo...".

What the!! Aragorn was such a behemoth of strength that he'd be the last person who'd have such moments. He looked into the palantir and came out rather unscathed, something even Gandalf was not sure he could do! I mean why ruin characters like this, in the name of adding a little touch of drama!


But... but, having said that I will also say that the movie was one of the better adaptions I had seen. It stayed true to a lot of dialogues in the book... wonderful job was done while creating creatures such as the Orcs, Uraks... Gollum. I mean without having seen the movie I do not know I would've imagined Gollum!

In all, a decent effort. I understand efforts to roll something as huge as LOTR into a movie series, but why the hell would you tamper with the original story! I guess Hollywood cant resist that anyhow!

Friday, May 19, 2006

anti-reservations? No, Iam pro-"sitting my ass on the couch!"

I've passed out of college, subject only to a few 30-odd mark exams I have to appear for next week. I've cracked CAT and managed to secure admission to the MICA admission programme. In two years time I should be on my way to high-profile career, wtf should I care what happens to the IIMs and IITs and suchlike from hereon in. All the people I know, for whom it will matter, I'll just look back with a twisted smile and say "Haha suckers! Bet you didnt see that coming! Good luck trying to get a decent degree now." I'll even hire a few OBC students from IIMs and IITs to rub it in.

But what I will NOT do is, grow a two-penny conscience and say damn! the reservations suck, politicians should be shot... blah-blah till someone asks me to come for that anti-reservations rally. Then I'd conviniently point out - "you know what, I'd love to. But I have exams you see."

No, I wont do that. I wont go to Orkut and call Arjun Singh names and discuss the "Rang de Basanti" formula as a possible way out. I wont have another debate on the subject.

I will instead, sit on my couch and order a pizza home. Will watch a movie or some world-cup special programme (there is something on the subject on every channel), or download some more Queen songs.

But IF someone out there honestly wants to go out & toil in the field, then go confirm with this & drop me a mail. Will come.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

The Essential Marwari Checklist

Rich? Obnoxious? Perpetually horny? A personality that has come to be accepted the world over as the standard definition for hypocrisy? Well, in that case you might just be a Marwari!

I don't really want to sound communal or biased or whatever, but as this guy I once met (he was the boyfriend of this slutty girl - yes, I know a lot of them!) put it so eloquently - "... Iam not communal or anything, but I just cant help it of all the choots belong to the same community." And that is exactly how I feel.

See, when I say Maaru... I dont really mean people of one particular community. With them I also throw in the numbers of the UPites, the Gujjus and the Jains. Being the politically correct asshole that Iam, I will also add at this point (to prevent from gettin lynched) that I have many friends from these very communities. People, I've grown up with... People, I've loved all my life... People, who are really beyond the stereotype... People, who I definitely hope will read this & know that I cant stand them !! :P

There gotch! Iam not going to mince words. Yes I have Maaru friends, some really close... but that doesnt mean that they arnt assholes! So, without further ado... the Essential Maaru Checklist!

# You have the latest Nokia phone with stereophonic sound and etc, etc... complete with the "Dhoom Machale, Dhoom Machale... Dhoom" ringtone, which goes off atleast 10 times during movie screenings or restaurant outings.

# You are 8 years old and your paunch looks like a bloated hippo's underbelly.

# You have spiked hair

# You give your phone number to every idiot with a dick, yet you've never been kissed, never had an actual date or boyfriend. (No, having a converstaion with a guy for 5 mins while pretending you are speaking to some Payal or Radhika from you class, does not count)

# You go to girl-school fetes (not fests) even though you passed out of 2 years ago, and what's more you've even got your hair spiked specially for the occassion.

# You've never heard of Pink Floyd.

# Your hang-out spots are Forum and other such glitzy malls, where you do nothing except just walking around in a group (not even window-shopping, mind you) and hope that someone will notice what a macho stud you are for having got that new brown streaks.

# Go to Pizza Hut and order Veggie Crunch (also, read: goin to KFC for a nice veg meal)

# You know all the names of the finalists of Indian Idol & Fame Gurukul and all other such crapfests.

# You think saas-bahu soaps are a passe, so now you watch Jassi Jaisi Koi Nahin!

# You have paan-stained teeth before your 18th birthday.

# All the middle-aged women in your family have HUGE fat-asses!

... ... Well, I could go on forever. But chances are that if you've endured for so long, you'd probably have a good idea whether or not you are a Maaru. If you are not, good. Didn't think you would be (you'd be too busy otherwise downloading Hrithik Roshan's picture than botehr reading blogs).

But if you are one... well, take a clue stay away from me!

Monday, May 15, 2006

Are you a virgin?

Crude as is the question (there are better ways to phrase it I mean), why is it that every guy you ask this has done it while no girl has ever been "touched". I mean seriously average Indians cannot be losing their virginity by the age of 20 with one half of the population not indulging in it. What? Do I see the "gay lobby" smirking? Shut up you idiots, this isnt about you... where are you guys anyways? Go find a closet or something.

Well, you see its the hypocrisy that gets to me. I know most people who read or comment on this blog will be like "lol man, I am not like that"... but the sorry part is that we all are. I mean I've done it, bragging I mean, at some point of time. And a little bit of tittle-tattle & horsin around with facts is ok and I guess even acceptable if you think about it.

But then every now and then I see a girl, who is an absolute slut... (the kinds you just have to look and smile to get them out of their panties) ... and who claims she's never done "it".

Freaky-Chakra: Why the fuck are you kidding me? You know "hands-off, I dont wanna talk about it" is better than saying you are a virgin.

Slutty Bitch: (laughing) oh no, no. I know what you mean. Believe me, if I had done anything I would've told you. I mean why'd I lie about it. It's perfectly normal and cool. But honestly, there is nothing to tell.

Freaky-Chakra: Go and choke! (ok I didnt say that, but I wish I had).

See the problem is both ways. If you are open and assertive of your sexuality, then you get branded as an "easy person" and all sorts of unwanted complications emerge. Right from Marwari idiots calling from PCOs to sly neighbourhood aunts. I completely empathise with women who have had to face such problems only because they were not hypocrites.

But for guys, I just dont ever get it. For example, this guy whom we shall call dickhead (for obvious reasons) who used to keep telling me about how he rammed this girl & that girl. When actually came in his pants even before he can take them off when he finally gets that coy, innocent girl in bed. (he confessed in a moment of absolute vulnerability induced by excessive consumption of alcohol).

What's the point of bragging. If you've bonked a girl, good for you. If you havent, claiming to have done so wont make you a stud. I personally like it when people keep silence on the subject in front of people they should, rather than claiming to be virgins (read slutty girls) or not (dickhead guys). And that's how it should be!

PS: Wanted to write something about the anti-reservation protests, but felt too disheartened and "out of it" to do so. While brooding on the subject I remembered the conversation with slutty chic. So just out of spite for her (and for people like her), this is here.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Gangster: A movie review

Well, I had something else planned for this post but then Angel and I, went on a whim to watch movie called "Gangster: A story of love". It turned out to be a very educative experience. I mean did you know...

# did you know... It's ok to walk, drive, ride a motorboat and sit in the middle of a flowing stream all the while clutching a bottle of alcohol in Seoul, South Korea.

# did you know... if a movie does not have a 'title-song' then the title of the movie must be repeated every two sentences lest the audiences get confused and start wondering which movie they are watching!

# did you know...Emraan Hashmi plays the guitar in all his films on some pretext or the other, but being the macho, ball-chomping badass he is, he can do it without ever holding a proper chord! Beat that Hendrix!

# did you know... The leading lady, Kangana's thin, bony ass has ridden the manhood of the entire Bhatt family. I mean why else would you cast a woman who cant speak, cant act, cant emote, scares the audience when she laughs (no kidding here, I was honestly scared) and has a bump on her lips!

# did you know... patching the narrative as a flashback in the flashback, which in itself if the flashback for the flashback, makes for a "good" movie.

# did you know... you can just walk into the Indian embassy in Seoul. Yes, you heard it right. WALK in.

# (the big daddy of them all)... did you know, the gangster's wife who betrays him to the police and then collapses on her knees in guilt, is just left sitting there. All the cars go away. All the police goes away. No one even interrogates her. Or takes her into custody or whatever.

Wow! If only Monica Bedi had known that.
*
The sad part is that one of the reasons why I went for the film was that it was rated good everywhere - Taran Adarsh, India Today, Outlook, my girlfriend's sister... and well, although it was better than most crapfests that we see being passed off in the name of cinema, it was only 'marginally' better!
I mean people have SO become used to watching bad movies that even halfway decent shitpots seem "good" to us. That is very sad.
After the movie, angel and I ran into this cute chic from my dept in the univ.
College Chic: "I thought the girl was good"
Freaky-Chakra: "Huh"
College Chic: "Her eyes were very expressive"
And to think she reviews films for the Etc, Kolkata. God, I hope this was not an assignment!

Thursday, May 11, 2006

The Great Khali...

... is a new wrestler to join the ranks of the WWE - Smackdown superstars. He is supposedly from India. This is what WWE has to say about him -

The Great Khali’s intimidating frame has caught the attention of everyone. Hailing from India, The Great Khali stands at an impressive 7 foot 3 and weighs 420 pounds. The Great Khali has walked the jungles of India unafraid of pythons and wrestled White Bengal tigers. Daivari claims that The Great Khali has “stared into the abyss and the earth trembled at his gaze.”

Firstly, I don't know what the hell a "white bengal tiger" is.

And secondly, I don't know of too many jungles in India. There are already too naxalites and dacoits there for 7 foot 3 monsters to walk about fearless of pythons and all.

India of Maharaja's and elephants kicks ass, India of software parks and space research is just too lame.