Friday, April 14, 2006

Newsflash: Govt of India is recruiting!

The Government of India has initiated a new recruitment policy for it's mid-level clerical positions in all departments that fall under its purview - educational institutions, PSUs, telephone offices, state electricity commissions, airport authorities, & everything else you can possibly imagine - because here in India, we, the Government own EVERYTHING!!

And the few sectors that are beyond our direct control, we try our best to sabotage them through parochial policies such as caste-based reservations and by recruiting officers who raise red-tapism and corruption to the level of a well-practised art.

However, some son of a high post bureaucrat, who got into the IAS through the SC quota despite having a 135-acre landed property holdings in rural UP, came up with a brilliant plan to lure "the right kind" of people for Government jobs in the afore-mentioned categories. The Bureaucracy Perpetuation Unit (BPU) of the Government of India shall now be using the blogosphere to advertise for its vacancies. The bloggers who sign up under this scheme (like Freaky Chakra) will be given a post and as a bonus for every 5 new recruits he/she can bring in, will be given rights to take all bribes without any "upper-authority-cuts" for 6 months.

Since we have already ruined the careers of such people through our existing bureaucratic setup, getting them on board wont be a problem as they dont have any more options!

So without any further ado, the pre-requisites for recruitment - (if you have fulfil the following, contact us at screwed.for.life@govtofindia.co.in)

# You must be sexually repressed.

You must be really, really frustrated. ALL the time. We suggest you refrain from any kind of "solitary-sex" that you might be indulging in every 3 hours (since it is highly unlikely that you have an 'actual' sex-life because you applied for this job). You shall find that thsi will help you be uncharacteristically nasty and just plain disgusted at the sight of anybody who wants to get some simple jobe done.

# You must never have heard of phrases such as - 'the buck stops here', 'taking responsibility', etc

We suggest you consider this whole thing as a video-game, where your purpose is to shirk as much work as possible to someone else, while everyone else tries to do the same. You lose when you actually cannot shirk anymore and HAVE to actually do some work.

# Must have a penchant for conviniently misplacing things

Particularly important for the ones working in sensitive departments of the judiciary and the like.

# For Women - You must be UGLY and old!!

This is another noble initiative of the BPU, everywhere these days beautiful girls are glorified and required - Air-hostess, receptionist, etc. Here at the Govenment of India we actively encourage the recruitment of married, ugly, middle-aged, fat women. It serves two purposes -

1. Having a woman, no matter how ugly prevents a restless, unruly queue from raining expletives.
2. Ugly women keep the men in the office more sexually frustrated.

# You must not have a command over English and must be devoid of any kind of social grace & manners

Screw the BPOs, they are a corrupting influence. Who says you need to have a decent english and social manners to make lakhs in life. Try the Government of India, you can earn lakhs and can do so by remaining the foul-mouthed son of a bitch you already are.

# You must NOT have any kind of computer operating abilities.

Comes in handy to refuse service everytime a screen-saver comes up and a technician must be called to "solve" the problem.

# You must actively encourage your kids to take up Government service in the future, and thus keep the efficiency of this great nation down!

All benefits incurred from the Government service shall cease once the incumbant retires. So in order to prevent your future generations from slogging it out like the rest of those normal-citizen-mortals, get them a post of their own! That way they can also learn from your fine bureaucratic legacy.

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As the son of the high-post IAS officer pointed out, most of these traits are very common amongst bloggers. So this new scheme of recruitment. If you have any doubt and queries... save it. Chances are if you can think of any, you are over-qualified for the job.
Thank you for your valuable time. Help us make this nation a truly great one, for the politicians, the bureaucrats and their kin.
Jai-Hind!