Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Suspended animation...

... is the state this blog shall be left to exist in for till the 10th of may, 2006.

I've not been able to post regularly lately, and that's basically a result of being very preoccupied with all the complications of my university thingie. I leave town to go be in Punjab shortly for the marraige of my first-cousin.

So pliss excuse me while I go on a short break and a nice little holiday.

In the meanwhile, have fun and have safe sex :P And do check back on the 10th!!

Update:
Well, Iam back... sort of! Am typing this out in Chandigarh and will not reach home before the 11th morning. So that's still another two days till my next post!

But I promised I'll be back on the 10th. Presto, look Iam a few minutes early ;)

Friday, April 14, 2006

Newsflash: Govt of India is recruiting!

The Government of India has initiated a new recruitment policy for it's mid-level clerical positions in all departments that fall under its purview - educational institutions, PSUs, telephone offices, state electricity commissions, airport authorities, & everything else you can possibly imagine - because here in India, we, the Government own EVERYTHING!!

And the few sectors that are beyond our direct control, we try our best to sabotage them through parochial policies such as caste-based reservations and by recruiting officers who raise red-tapism and corruption to the level of a well-practised art.

However, some son of a high post bureaucrat, who got into the IAS through the SC quota despite having a 135-acre landed property holdings in rural UP, came up with a brilliant plan to lure "the right kind" of people for Government jobs in the afore-mentioned categories. The Bureaucracy Perpetuation Unit (BPU) of the Government of India shall now be using the blogosphere to advertise for its vacancies. The bloggers who sign up under this scheme (like Freaky Chakra) will be given a post and as a bonus for every 5 new recruits he/she can bring in, will be given rights to take all bribes without any "upper-authority-cuts" for 6 months.

Since we have already ruined the careers of such people through our existing bureaucratic setup, getting them on board wont be a problem as they dont have any more options!

So without any further ado, the pre-requisites for recruitment - (if you have fulfil the following, contact us at screwed.for.life@govtofindia.co.in)

# You must be sexually repressed.

You must be really, really frustrated. ALL the time. We suggest you refrain from any kind of "solitary-sex" that you might be indulging in every 3 hours (since it is highly unlikely that you have an 'actual' sex-life because you applied for this job). You shall find that thsi will help you be uncharacteristically nasty and just plain disgusted at the sight of anybody who wants to get some simple jobe done.

# You must never have heard of phrases such as - 'the buck stops here', 'taking responsibility', etc

We suggest you consider this whole thing as a video-game, where your purpose is to shirk as much work as possible to someone else, while everyone else tries to do the same. You lose when you actually cannot shirk anymore and HAVE to actually do some work.

# Must have a penchant for conviniently misplacing things

Particularly important for the ones working in sensitive departments of the judiciary and the like.

# For Women - You must be UGLY and old!!

This is another noble initiative of the BPU, everywhere these days beautiful girls are glorified and required - Air-hostess, receptionist, etc. Here at the Govenment of India we actively encourage the recruitment of married, ugly, middle-aged, fat women. It serves two purposes -

1. Having a woman, no matter how ugly prevents a restless, unruly queue from raining expletives.
2. Ugly women keep the men in the office more sexually frustrated.

# You must not have a command over English and must be devoid of any kind of social grace & manners

Screw the BPOs, they are a corrupting influence. Who says you need to have a decent english and social manners to make lakhs in life. Try the Government of India, you can earn lakhs and can do so by remaining the foul-mouthed son of a bitch you already are.

# You must NOT have any kind of computer operating abilities.

Comes in handy to refuse service everytime a screen-saver comes up and a technician must be called to "solve" the problem.

# You must actively encourage your kids to take up Government service in the future, and thus keep the efficiency of this great nation down!

All benefits incurred from the Government service shall cease once the incumbant retires. So in order to prevent your future generations from slogging it out like the rest of those normal-citizen-mortals, get them a post of their own! That way they can also learn from your fine bureaucratic legacy.

*
As the son of the high-post IAS officer pointed out, most of these traits are very common amongst bloggers. So this new scheme of recruitment. If you have any doubt and queries... save it. Chances are if you can think of any, you are over-qualified for the job.
Thank you for your valuable time. Help us make this nation a truly great one, for the politicians, the bureaucrats and their kin.
Jai-Hind!

In the Aftermath...

"The weak have no place in this life or in any other life. Weakness leads to slavery. Weakness leads to all kinds of misery, physical and mental. Weakness is death. There are hundreds of thousands of microbes surrounding us, but they cannot harm us unless we become weak, until the body is ready and predisposed to recieve them...

...This is the great fact: strength is life, weakness is death. Strength is felicity, life eternal, immortal; weakness is constant strain and misery..."

- Swami Vivekanada
(Delivered at: Los Angeles, California
4th January, 1900)

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Freaky Chakra's Personality Test:

The last couple of posts were quite heavy & all... so, decided to have some fun with this one :)

Well, here is a test designed by many qualified idiots who could not get around to study anything meaningful aka psychologists. Here is a picture of Freaky Chakra and Angel... look carefully at the picture for twenty-seven nanoseconds and if you still have your interest-levels intact, proceed further. Otherwise, stop. Repeat. Till interest levels permit proceeding further.



Good, now that you've already proceeded further, so we know atleast one thing for sure that you sure have a hell lot of time on your hands. Thus we can safely rule out the possibility of you being Manmohan Singh, because it is part of his job-profile to be busy all the time. Not really work as such, but be busy all the time.

I know it is kind of disappointing to know that you are not the Prime-minister of India. Iam heart-broken too at this point everytime I take this test! But guess what, cheer up... there are is an entire list of things of what you could be! So, without further ado... read on & see what matches with your thoughts on seeing the picture!


The beer-on-the-couch-all-day guy:
Simple. The man in the background farted a rather nasty one. The girl cant take it & so he, immune to nasty smells (through his own toxic brand of farts!!), be trying to help her getting through it...

The Feminist:
The girl has suddenly realised that through the ages males have oppressed women and have absolutely disregarded their contribution by always being chauvinist pigs and something to the effect... meanwhile the guy is wondering whether he should attempt to steal another glance over to check out the exposed cleavage of the girl on the next table!

The chronic hindi soap viewer
Angel's just told me that she is pregnant, and Iam shocked meanwhile the man in the background is our "enemy" who has "overheard" our conversation. He is now waiting for the camera to swing to a close-up of his face so that he can smirk and his voiceover can state what heinous plot he is cooking.

The "intellectual":
There are certain plants/leaves in the background which reflect that both these characters in the foreground are reckless, wild and impulsive, while the faint hint of a building like structure looming in the distance hints that their problems are basically about trying to fit their natural, impulsive instincts into the "conventions of a regimented lifestyle".

It's very European, the style... pretty easy to figure if you "know" what you are talking about!
The Indian politician:
Making democracy function, the guy is passing a bribe "under the table


The Jihadi:
America and Israel are responsible for the this woman's sorrow... come, let's blow up another car and get back at them!

Arjun Singh lobbyist:
And that is why we are providing OBC reservations so that daughters of wealthy OBC seths like this do not get upset at not being able to make some decent shit from their miserable silver-spoon lives after 21 years of reservations!
The marwari MCP idiot:
Abey, she was makings the so much noise so I slaps her. What yaar I have so much money I will get the new girlfriend!"

The Beatles fan:
"It's real love... it's real.
Yes, it's real love..."
The Phoney-Beatles fan:
"While my guitar gently weeps..." (one song, all occasions!)
The Bollywood movie freak:
Saala, Sanjay Gupta is a genius! (reference: Kaante, Zinda)
Baba Ramdev loyalist:
My "Pranayam" yoga cures everythng from cancer to bad farts... see the man in the background is practising my special breathing techniques and is blissfully happy! (For more information ask CPI(M) and Brinda Karat).
Medha Patkar:
Iam going colour-blind now... what how long has my hunger-strike been going on?
Tushar Kapoor:
Hah! One guy Iam more handsome than!
The anxious blogger:
Will this post get more than 10 comment?
The not-so-anxious blogger:
Will this post get more than 12 comments?
The X-rated pervert (courtsey: shristi-lover, Ghentu Khan & Frodo - langa buddies of Freaky Chakra)
Basically to the effect too much pleasure is bad for health!
The Presidency student:
Ayi, the guy molested the girl... let's organise a protest dharna against this gross injustice & demand the resignation of the prinicpal!!
The JU student:
Damn the Moni-da Canteen... so many mosquitoes!
The Loretto student:
Alert the nuns... alert the nuns, a guy!! Here we make love only among girls!
There! Hope you enjoyed this and in the process got to know yourself a little better :) Always glad to help out!

Friday, April 07, 2006

& now, the Other Backward Classes

I mean everyone already agrees that politics and the bureaucracy is a bitch in general. But even within them there are certain positions which require fucktards of the highest order to do justice to them. The Human Resource Development ministry is one of them. I mean when we had the last BJP government in power, we had a gentleman called Murli Manohar Joshi in this very position. Now MMJ is a very distinguished asshole, when he was not busy trying to slash the fees of the IIMs and promoting astrology as a "science" (ya, you got me right & did I mention extolling the apparent curative & medical properties of cow piss) - this bugger was trying to re-write the history books of young kids in school.

Good move bitch, I mean nobody even reads those books in the 1st place, so what the fuck! Let's have some fun right? Only a lot of people apparently had problems with this & a huge hue & cry was raised over this.

Then the shock defeat of NDA in the general elections in 2004, inspite of having made India shine over the deaths of hungry farmers in Andhra & Punjab. UPA comes to power, headed by the Congress. Good shit you thought. There you MMJ, bollocks to you man! We now have Arjun Singh, a man who looks learned... doesnt wear a tika on his head & is pretty satisfied at leaving them history books, cow piss & ol' saturn & gemini alone.

WHAM!!!

Suddenly, something so big happens that you just feel like barfing at your utter insignificance & helplessness at not being able to do anything about it!

Now there is a proposal to reserve seats for OBCs in all government funded institutions. The overall reservations taking Scheduled castes, scheduled tribes and the other backward classes would be at a whopping 49.5 % of all seats available!!

I mean seriously you might as well take a shotgun and shoot people in the crotch because they were born to plain, old regular parents! Here's an example of what is going to be happening....

This year I applied to Symbiosis Institute of Business Management (SIBM), a very reputed B-School. They had their own entrance exam and all. When the results came out, these were the cut-offs -

General - 97.5
SC/ST - 24

No offence meant here but 24? Are you shitting me? There has to be some sort of quality parity right? If you were blindfolded and ticked every answer (it's an MCQ test) - you'd still get more than that! I mean if there are no good SC/ST candidates below say 50 or so, then why take them in the first place? Chances are they'd make lousy managers in the 1st place.

However, coming back, the point of reservations... it was initially to bring these depressed classes up to a competitive levels. The raising of their standard of living was supposedly to be achieved through land reforms. Now the latter failed miserably in this country as a result the reservation thing just never went off. The reservations was not concieved to be there forever!! So endorsing more reservations the Government is basically saying - "hang on, we could not improve on the situation... instead we've suceeded in goofing up further. Here are a few more people who need reservations".

If indeed Arjun Singh was SO serious about doing something to help these depressed classes... here are some things he could/should have done -

1. Upgrade, expand and modernise the existing primary and secondary school infrastructure in rural areas. At present the whole system is absolutely good-for-nothing - no good teachers, no initiative & no nothing! I say this because my own first cousins live in a village in Punjab & have seen what crap is passed off in the name of education there.

2. Instead of reservations, encourage special coaching/orientation/focus sessions for the youth who come from economically and socially disadvantaged groups irrespective of caste/creed/religion & try to provide them with a decent competitive opportunity to succeed in the entrance exams. See this is the point I was trying to make earlier through the SIBM example... there has to be some kind of quality parity!

What's basically going to happen now is that if a poor kid or an orphan from a upper caste brahmin family wants a good career, he will have to fight it out with these yuppie kids - with all the facilities at hand - in an even smaller pool of available seats!

Dont get me wrong I honestly believe that people like you or me should not be selfish enough to stand in the way of any OBC or SC/ST kid if they can benefit from it. But I'll be darned if I'll walk away from the B-school of my dreams for someone whose father drives around in a Merc, but has an OBC/SC/ST certificate.

& that is exactly what is happening now! Not that the govenment isnt aware of this. But it wont ban the children of high level bureaucrats/politicians/doctors/engineers,etc who made it from the quotas! Why should these 2nd generation kids need reservations?

No such a move would not get fat old Arjun Singh here too many votes. Hmmm... so what a nice idea let's just increase the reservation quota. That way more bureaucrat friends can send their spolit, bratty kids to these institutions.

What about those poor OBC, SC/ST kids for whom the quotas were originally designed? Huh. Nevermind, they'll never make it that far anyways. Our skewed rural education scheme will ensure that.

Wicked job you bitch! If only once in a while these politicians were made to send their kids to regular colleges through the regular grind, instead of jet-setting off to US-colleges, they'd know better than to toy with student careers like this.
*

PS: This issue is something that we all should be thinking of seriously because it effects everything from JU to IIT. If anyone here on this blog wants to take some kind of radical action against this - a rally, signature campaign, protest forum or whatever... email me.

As of now, NDTV is doing some kind of protest thing on this... email them at
feedback@ndtv.com and let them know of your opinions on this. I also thank "girl who sold the world", whose email got me thinking on this.
PPS: Also has been brought to my attention an online petition against the reservations. So far nearly 3000 people have signed it... and more are, even as you read this. Go on... sign it! :)

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Gandhi Porn??//#

So yesterday there I was sitting on my chair, minding my own business... downloading music & searching for porn. When suddenly something so shocking happened that I nearly fell off my chair. Here are some searches which Limewire returned...

"Hindu bitch fucked by white guy Gandhi Porn XXX pussy nice".

What the hell!! Ok, hang on... let me make something very clear at this point itself. If you are already smirking and thinking of some "the-old-bald-pervert-in-dhoti" kind of wisecrack... save your breath. This post is not about what some redneck idiot advertises his porn clip, of some mexican-looking-like-an-indian, as. It's exactly about people like you who smirk on hearing the same.

Oddly enough Gandhi-bashing is the single most popular passtime of this country's junta. Why?

1. It's fashionable. I mean what better way to show how cool you are than to slander a person who by himself was a unique phenomenon unparalleled in the entire history of man. He was bald... he wore a dhoti... surrounded himself with women... (out come jokes about his sexual abilities/limitations).

2. To show that you are a true intellectual, that you understand politics and you actually know the inside-story about what really went on during the partition/quit-india/bose-ouster/ *put a random event* based on that book you read...

3. Just out of sheer lack of imagination to think of a rational explanation for the country's partition/poverty/long freedom struggle.

I remember sitting in the Indian Political Thought class as we studied Gandhi's political thought - I was just stunned as an entire class of political science students behaved as if they had a personal bone to pick with the man. The fact that our teacher (otherwise a good man) was a hardcore bengali - sympathetic to Subhash Bose & Vietnam, did not help either.

The fact is apart from two or three in that class, nobody had ever read anything written by/on Gandhi save their histroy books back in school. Yet everyone behaves like a fucking expert.

Myth #1: He was a coward, he was scared of violence.
Reality: Gandhi was no coward. In fact he time & again stated that he would much rather prefer violence over cowardice. the way of the satyagrahi is one of tremendous moral strength and courage & not for lesser mortals. Do look up the ten points outlined by Gandhi for a Satyagrahi.

Myth #2: Gandhi was responsible for the partition because of the country because of his favouring Nehru!
Reality: Hah! Nothing could be further from the truth. 1945 onwards, Gandhi was an ignored man - a symbolic presence whose economic ideas of khadi & charkha were something of an embarrasment to Nehru.

Gandhi is largely responsible for female emancipation in India and the upliftment of the depressed classes, which aside from his contributions to the freedom struggle are tremendous social developments that we have inherited. He is also responsible for preventing communal violence and riots from destroying the two Bengals in 1947, something which a 50, 000-strong neutral Gurkha force could not ensure at the Punjab border. And to think... Bengal was considered to be the more communally sensitive of the two.

I just cannot simply stand people who "judge" his sheer greatness because they simply have never made an attempt to understand it's entirety in the first place. I do not have a problem with people (a very, very rare minority) who are actually well-read & have logical and rational reasons for not liking him. I can live with that. Freedom of thought right? Too bad of you are an idiot anyways!

Lastly, do I think whether Gandhi was indeed "mahatma"? Not in the least. He was painfully human... he made mistakes - ousting Bose, re-calling non-cooperation movement, his paranoid fear of machines, etc. But as a matter of fact, of all the men to have walked the earth... I do consider him to be one who walked amongst the tallest!

*Update: Well... My college mess has not sorted itself out. But it would be poetic in a skewed kind of way if I was to just keep remaining sad over all that. Life goes on... Thanks for all the wishes and concern :)

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Movie taglines...

... are something I've never been able to understand. I mean what's the point of adding a phrase or so as footer of sorts under the name of the movie. If your movie is bad, nobody is going to come & watch it just because you added a self-explaining tagline to go with it. Maybe you would have better luck if you added Payal Rohatgi & a couple of semi-nude scenes. I mean here is a lady who can sell her films without having the need of stupid, demeaning taglines. Think Tauba-Tauba, Mazaa-Mazaa, Mr 100%, Fun, Chetna, etc. But then again that's a different story altogether.

Sample a few:

Daag - The Fire... A trend-setter of sorts in Bollywood in terms of adding a tagline to make the lameass name of your movie sound cool. Observe already the fine standards of creativity on display. I mean everyone knows Daag (stain) and Fire go hand-in-hand. And for the few who've been unlucky enough to see the movie (I was)... you'd be left wondering where exactly was the stain & what fire was it exactly that the producer had in mind.

Waqt - Race against time... Loosely translated it reads: Time - Race against Time. huh. No more comments.

Resident Evil - Iam Alice & I remember everything... Good for you bitch! Nice to know Hollywood gets into the act too.

Lucky - No time for love... A tribute to the producer's favourite lines everytime the aishwarya look-alike heroine went into his van. The rest of the line went something like - "... time now for *****"

I could go on forever but I cannot, inspite of all the bullshit I've seen in the name of cinema, I cannot remember too many taglines. Thankfully.

Coming back to Payal Rohatgi. I think we should have Payal Rohatgi in every movie. That is the only way we can fight this trend of inserting stupid taglines to movie titles. I mean it's an open secret that Bollywood people are very superstitious about stuff which makes money. So if a thriller succeeds, everyone else will make thrillers... if a period movie works, everyone else jumps on the bandwagon... similarly if movies without taglines make money, everyone else will go for it too.

Payal Rohatgi has already shown the way... 12 films, countless wet-dreams & profit for the producers (and their low-budget investments).

Bah! Rang de Basanti - a generation awakens! Who needs you. Bring on Payal Rohatgi please...

Huh?!

College-fest. Western rock finals. Bored. A female drummer? ... hmmm, interesting.

"Does anybody want beer" Silence.

"Does anybody want beer" Confused Silence.

"C'mon everybody you are JU (jadavpur university) not some... *pauses to think*... St. Mary College".
AH, I get it. An attempt by the vocalist to sound cool & to get the crowd behind the band. Me be Dumbass to think booze be around! Disappointed at stupidity of the self.

"Well you've already heard it today but we'll show you how The Wall is really done"

Show starts. Blown away. Didn't know (another brick in) The Wall was supposed to be done to sound like somebody scraping a steel plate with a fork.

Huh.