Saturday, March 25, 2006

Banks....

... that I went today to make a simple draft, made me realise that the entire banking system of our countries is almost (why almost, I shall explain later) entirely made up of lousy assholes, who get paid for being exactly that... lousy assholes with customers. First up...

Reason for being lousy assholes: Blank statement... sorry we cannot process drafts today. This after making me fill out the form and wait in a queue for a whole 20 mins. Thank you very much!


Reason for being lousy assholes: Well, we at HDFC are too good to process draft transactions of people who are not customers here. Well... something on those lines.



Reason for being lousy assholes: Here goes... Scene rolling -


A rather pretty chic sitting behind a glass desk with a sign saying - "May I help you". Ahem... rather tempting.

Freaky-Chakra: "I want to make a draft"

Pretty chic: (twinkling her eyes) "Are you a customer here?"

FC: "Is that necessary?"

PC: "Sir, if you were then we could arrange for an account-transfer draft transaction which is better than your..." blah-blah goes on and on in bank-lingo which along with the Indus-Valley script and what this guy writes; are the three most incomprehensible linguistic mysteries known to man.

FC: "Plain english please?"

PC: "It would be far more convinient if you were an account-holder. Are you one sir?"

FC: "Er... no"

PC: (with a cold, hurt look) "sorry sir in that case we cannot process your draft"

FC: "What the..."

PC: (a very cold 'get lost you dumb idiot, you dont belong here' look)

Next up... a bank, so lousy and so dumb that they couldnt even think of a better name for themselves than a regular, bland - Central Bank of India. Huh? You got to be kidding me. No initials (ICICI, HSBC, HDFC) - you know the kinds that makes your bank name sound cool and meaningful? Apparently they've been around for 95 years and by the looks of it, they have not recruited since then either.

They were not lousy assholes to be fair (and hence the use of the word almost in the beginning). To be fair, they were just plain dumb or just plain stoned. Or perhaps both. One cannot be too sure.

Freaky-Chakra: (already tired after scouting 3 lousy banks) "Can I get a draft made to be payable in Ahmedabad - Iam not a customer here - and if that is a problem, tell me right now"

Old Bank Guy: (smiling in a grandfatherish way and making me feel all guilty for being snappy) "Yes you can get your draft done... and no, you dont need to be our customer"

FC: "Oh, good (sigh of relief). Thank you so much... this is the 4th bank I've visited today for this draft, can you believe it?"

OBG: (smiles & hands over form) "Here fill this out".

I fill it up, wait in a queue and come back to the same OBG to go ahead with the process...

FC: "Here sir..."

OBG: (smiles again) "It'll take a little time however".

FC: (suspiciously) "how much time?"

OBG: (guessed it right... smiling still) "That I cannot tell".

FC: "Huh?"

OBG: (God this is distracting... almost scary - is a toothpaste model?) "Actually the computer link is down, so I cannot process it now... I dont know how long it will take. May take another 3-4 hours!"

I drop-kicked him in the jaw and then delivered a stone-cold stunner on him. Then I grabbed the gaurd's gun and shot all the old people behind counters and some waiting in the queue too (just for good measure you know... so that they dont go & take places of the ones I killed).

Having performed this social service... I walked out humming "Comfortably Numb" and disappeared into the sunset!

By the way, I was going through the site of Central Bank (to see if they had mentioned my name on it after I wiped out an entire branch staff of theirs) - and guess what I found out. Their president-queen-mother goose whatever... is this female -

Her name is Miss H.A. Daru-wallah! Damn, should have known all along!

Post-script #1: I finally managed to get the draft done - several adventures later, mind you - from the Union Bank of India. The draft was for Nirma University, which as I discovered two hours ago... is now just 20 grands, down the ol' drain! Why you ask? ... ...

Post-script #2: Which brings me to a much happier, self-congratulatory second point - I just discovered I had made it to MICA and would not be going to Nirma after all!! In case you are wondering what on earth a MICA is? Well... it's the mecca of a B-School for anybody in this country wanting to make a career in advertising and related industries.

So yay!! :) (Iam off to party... hic!!)