Thursday, March 30, 2006

A frustrating Mind-bender!

Requirement: To pass 18 honours papers and 8 Extra-Departmental (ED) courses, over six semester (and 3 years) to get your graduation degree on time.

Mark distribution:
Total 50 marks per paper.
10 marks for internal assessment
10 for mid-semester exams
30 marks for the final semester exams

To pass the course, you need 20/50.

The problem: In my 1st semester, I committed the cardinal sin of developing a brain disorder called Neurocysteroses and having unrelenting parents ("politcal science?? Really, are you sure you dont wanna join the business??). I missed almost the whole semester and all internal assessments.

So, while appearing for the final exams, I had to get 20/30 to pass the course. I did so in three papers. The fourth paper - An ED in Economics, I did not appear for it, because I did not think I could've got 20/30.

What about the 4th Paper?: Rules say, a back-paper can be cleared every alternate semester, i.e. back-paper in 1st sem can be cleared in 3rd and 5th sems.

My fault - Did not attempt to clear it in 3rd sem. Laziness... sheer laziness.

Meanwhile...
A new rule came up... if it is your last attempt to clear a back-paper, then just getting 12/30 is enough instead 20/30. Needless to say I was delighted. Appeared and secured 15/30. Scot-free? R u kidding me? This is Marxist-Bengal... not a fuckin chance!

Shock #1:

"You did not appear for the exam in the 1st sem, therefore this is your first attempt to clear the paper... hence the 12/30 rule doesnt apply to you"

This they tell me on the day I go to collect my marksheet, after having scouted every office from the Dean to Head-of-Department and all before exams. No one told me about this. Thank you so much!

So, I run to the Dean of Arts' office -

"Did you take the admit card?"

"Yes, sir"

"Is this subject on that card?"

"Yes, sir"

"Then it's not a problem... If a student has registered for an exam & not appeared for it physically, it is considered as an attempt. This is all a protocol error"

I was delighted... Scot-free? Ru kidding me again?? Hah, you dumb kid... we are the bureaucratic machinary of India - we've been paid & bred to make sure we rape the happiness of upstarts like you!

Today: Shock #2

"It was decided in 2005, that the admit-card registration would be enough to count as an exam-attempt. Your exam was held in 2004. Hence, you are not eligible again"

So, as it stands now... My degree is hung again and Iam too distracted to think or write anything straight...

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Ain't this freaky?

Courtesy Megha, some rampant template changes over the last week or so were seriously contemplated... Then given up & then done anyway! So go ahead, enjoy the new look.

If you've read the story ("Just before the war with eskimos" by JD Salinger), then the background is really something you can relate to. Decided to roll with it :)

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Banks....

... that I went today to make a simple draft, made me realise that the entire banking system of our countries is almost (why almost, I shall explain later) entirely made up of lousy assholes, who get paid for being exactly that... lousy assholes with customers. First up...

Reason for being lousy assholes: Blank statement... sorry we cannot process drafts today. This after making me fill out the form and wait in a queue for a whole 20 mins. Thank you very much!


Reason for being lousy assholes: Well, we at HDFC are too good to process draft transactions of people who are not customers here. Well... something on those lines.



Reason for being lousy assholes: Here goes... Scene rolling -


A rather pretty chic sitting behind a glass desk with a sign saying - "May I help you". Ahem... rather tempting.

Freaky-Chakra: "I want to make a draft"

Pretty chic: (twinkling her eyes) "Are you a customer here?"

FC: "Is that necessary?"

PC: "Sir, if you were then we could arrange for an account-transfer draft transaction which is better than your..." blah-blah goes on and on in bank-lingo which along with the Indus-Valley script and what this guy writes; are the three most incomprehensible linguistic mysteries known to man.

FC: "Plain english please?"

PC: "It would be far more convinient if you were an account-holder. Are you one sir?"

FC: "Er... no"

PC: (with a cold, hurt look) "sorry sir in that case we cannot process your draft"

FC: "What the..."

PC: (a very cold 'get lost you dumb idiot, you dont belong here' look)

Next up... a bank, so lousy and so dumb that they couldnt even think of a better name for themselves than a regular, bland - Central Bank of India. Huh? You got to be kidding me. No initials (ICICI, HSBC, HDFC) - you know the kinds that makes your bank name sound cool and meaningful? Apparently they've been around for 95 years and by the looks of it, they have not recruited since then either.

They were not lousy assholes to be fair (and hence the use of the word almost in the beginning). To be fair, they were just plain dumb or just plain stoned. Or perhaps both. One cannot be too sure.

Freaky-Chakra: (already tired after scouting 3 lousy banks) "Can I get a draft made to be payable in Ahmedabad - Iam not a customer here - and if that is a problem, tell me right now"

Old Bank Guy: (smiling in a grandfatherish way and making me feel all guilty for being snappy) "Yes you can get your draft done... and no, you dont need to be our customer"

FC: "Oh, good (sigh of relief). Thank you so much... this is the 4th bank I've visited today for this draft, can you believe it?"

OBG: (smiles & hands over form) "Here fill this out".

I fill it up, wait in a queue and come back to the same OBG to go ahead with the process...

FC: "Here sir..."

OBG: (smiles again) "It'll take a little time however".

FC: (suspiciously) "how much time?"

OBG: (guessed it right... smiling still) "That I cannot tell".

FC: "Huh?"

OBG: (God this is distracting... almost scary - is a toothpaste model?) "Actually the computer link is down, so I cannot process it now... I dont know how long it will take. May take another 3-4 hours!"

I drop-kicked him in the jaw and then delivered a stone-cold stunner on him. Then I grabbed the gaurd's gun and shot all the old people behind counters and some waiting in the queue too (just for good measure you know... so that they dont go & take places of the ones I killed).

Having performed this social service... I walked out humming "Comfortably Numb" and disappeared into the sunset!

By the way, I was going through the site of Central Bank (to see if they had mentioned my name on it after I wiped out an entire branch staff of theirs) - and guess what I found out. Their president-queen-mother goose whatever... is this female -

Her name is Miss H.A. Daru-wallah! Damn, should have known all along!

Post-script #1: I finally managed to get the draft done - several adventures later, mind you - from the Union Bank of India. The draft was for Nirma University, which as I discovered two hours ago... is now just 20 grands, down the ol' drain! Why you ask? ... ...

Post-script #2: Which brings me to a much happier, self-congratulatory second point - I just discovered I had made it to MICA and would not be going to Nirma after all!! In case you are wondering what on earth a MICA is? Well... it's the mecca of a B-School for anybody in this country wanting to make a career in advertising and related industries.

So yay!! :) (Iam off to party... hic!!)

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Of ring-tailed lemurs

"... This particular lemur is called a ring-tailed lemur. Nobody knows why it is called this, and generations of scientists have been baffled by it. One day a very wise person indeed will probably work it out why it is called a ring-tailed lemur. If this person is exceedingly wise, then he or she will only tell very close friends, in secret, because otherwise everybody will know it, and then nobody will realise how wise the first person to know it was..."

- The Salmon of Doubt (For children only)
by Douglas Adams
God, how I hate pseudo-intellectuals. Or how they leech off each other...
The funny thing is everyone will tell you they hate pseudo-intellectuals. Nobody will admit to be one. A good clue is when you start thinking or talking like a patronising idiot, to anyone who doesnt agree with your views on films, music... Lenin & Marx, etc.
*
Update: Thanks to everyone who responded to the last post... but because it was a tad too personal so Iam removing it fromthe blog. The problem was regarding the clearing of my graduation degree from my university. But it has been solved and hopefully no more hccups from the bureaucratic setup will derail my awaiting MBA education :)
But thanks again to everyone... wasnt expecting such a heart-warming reaction! *hugs everyone*

Monday, March 20, 2006

An arranged marriage saga...

See there are better ways to spend a sunday afternoon than having to bathe, prepare tea and wear a plastic smile for people who you don't know (and thank god that such is the case). There I was, half-sleepy and slouching in my shorts on the comp when my father suddenly came in with a disapproving stare and asked me to "become presentable". I absolutely dread when he says this... because it usually means we'd be meeting people, who as rule Iam never become to fond of.

In this case, it was a rather robust sikh family... a robust sikh patriarch, a robust sardarni with her two robust children - a son and a daughter. The purpose of their visit was rather odd... atleast to me, because to my parents it was perfectly "understandable".

See the young robust sikh junior (25) was about to get married and the robust sikh family was going to check out the prospective bride. Now it is very embarrassing in Sikh circles to go see the prospective bride without a bevy of (ok atleast one) "family-friend". This "family-friend" person does a very important job... he "negotiates" the terms of marraige because obviously the groom's parents cannot do it.

Why? you ask... arre, they are the groom's parents na!

Anyways, since the robust sikh family did not find any "friends" to do become the "family-friend", they decided to hire... er, ask my folks to step in. Why? Because they are acquaintances and so what if they are not "sikhs" - at least they are panjabi (no, both are not same... very different). I do not know what is more embarrassing... going to see the prospective daughter-in-law without a "family-friend" or going there with someone who obviously will never invite you for family-dinners!

But nevermind, that's just my take.

The Plan - Basically first my mom, the robust sardarni and her robust daughter will go to "check" the prospective bride. You know the ladies-shadies of the house will go first, while the men will stay away! So, they went... and I had to play host and prepare tea for the groom-to-be and his father, as Dad kept chatting with them.

For my part, (they were showing - Jo Bole So Nihaal yesterday on TV)... I played the song "Iam a Jat, kar du tight tere nut" at full volume. (translation: Iam a Jat {sikh}, so I'll tighten the nuts of your head). But nobody got the clue... sigh!

Eventually - Mom came home, and the whole party socialised for a while. The robust sikh family went off. I was later informed that the marraige proposal did not materialise. Why I asked...

"because the girl is 5 feet 6 inches" replied mom.

"so?"

"so, they want a man who is atleast 5 feet 11"

*
Couple of things to be kept in mind...
A) This post is NOT a work of fiction.
B) The groom-to-be's height was about 5'9"
C) Both the "groom and bride" to be, were extremely well-educated. Both had completed matriculation; a feat that a huge percentage of our country's population cannot!
D) The picture of the happy matrimony is certainly not theirs!

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Of suicide and related things...

Well, I always knew I was going to do a post on this. And I always knew I was going to hesitant about doing it while I was at it. Iam not suicidal... let me make that clear from the beginning. I haven't felt that way for a very long time now, twenty months to be more precise! But this is not about that.

This is about the fact that I cannot stand people who say that the ones who commit suicide are "cowards". This is about all those arguments I've had with so many people, angel included, about the very same.

"You know he had a 3-year old daughter"... "What about her parents, they are over 60 you know"... "how can anybody be so stupid, it's just an exam you know"...

I cannot stand to hear comments like these. I cannot stand people who say stuff like this. Make no mistake, Iam not endorsing suicide. I do not think it is a solution to any of life's problems... I do not think that the idea of suicide is romantic or anything. Nor am I trying to demean the anguish and pain of the ones left behind.

All Iam asking for is peace for the one who's gone.

Sitting in your room, sipping your coffee and surfing your internet it is very easy to say judgemental shit. Fine. You've also been suicidal too. You had bad times too... & you too contemplated going the distance. But spare me the bullshit of how you did not fall prey to the "temptation"... of how you thought of your loved ones and decided it was too selfish of you to go ahead.

Good for you. Iam gald you are alive today and Iam glad we are having this argument here. But do not use your standards to judge anyone else's position. If someone has killed himself because his girlfriend dumped him... parents split or he failed in his exams... whatever you have no right to judge him.

Discourage anyone from taking a similar step. Be sensitive to people, be open to the ones left behind... but do not "judge" anyone's reasons. What may seem stupid to you, pointless and vague, was not viewed from the same lens by the person in question. And frankly it was not entirely his fault that such was the case.

Selfish, I hear? Well... of course. I couldn't agree with you more. It is the ultimate act of selfishness, and hence must be respected for the same. We fight to survive from our first birth... life is something we crave for from the very start.

Imagine someone who has felt something so bad, that he doesnt want life itself anymore. Try and remember the lowest point of your own suicidal moments (if you've had them)... don't really care na, who says what or who's left behind na?

"There can be no reason strong enough to justify a suicide" someone very close once told me...

Nobody's looking for justifying anything... they're looking for peace. So shut up and give them a moment of silence instead!

I learnt...

... to play the opening riff of Wish you were here, & played it for angel over the telephone.

Some audiences are just priceless :)

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Things I thought this post would be about...

1. A time-table kind breakup of my day today. Gave it up because the most interesting thing that happened to me today was a Barista blue-berry muffin, which didn't have blue-berry paste thing inside. Hmm... come to think of it, good call I guess.

2. Thought about writing about my impending brush with my barber. Still debating whether I should get that crew-cut or just go plain-old fashioned bald. Didn't think anyone would be interested in that sort of thing... I mean after all this is a guy talking about hair!! C'mon really.

But want to know something cool? My barber wears a cowboy hat! No kidding

3. A tribute post. Kurt Cobain. No. Too tired to search for a decent pic of the guy now.

4. A tag. Oh shit... didnt I just do that! Crap

5. A random post... But what exactly do you write in a "random" post?

6. Bitch about the stupid, arrogant and bully of a moderator who just blocked a thread I started at a forum. It was perfectly legal and everything. But I already sent him a mail about it. Dont want to type something on similar lines.

7. Write about soccer. When in doubt, always go for soccer. Soccer is simple. Soccer is divine. Only a small problem... Chelsea are out of the Champions League and Iam still nursing the wounds.

8. Write about the time Hutch ripped me last month... wanted to write about it all along, but could not fit it in. Now I guess it's too old.

9. Ooh-ooh, I got it... I came 3rd in a college quiz yesterday!! No wait. Am not a nerd... sorry, hands off!!

10. I give up. How about a post on people giving up? No. Too lame.

So there, inspite of trying really hard to come up with something interesting for a post... Iam afraid, I've failed outright.

Iam sorry. Please excuse my blogger's block! *goes off in a corner to sulk*

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

50 questions...

I've been tagged... so, here goes

Started- 00:04 AM

1. Were you named after anyone? Yes. Ravi Shastri Iam told.
2. Do you wish on stars? No. Never.
3. When did you last cry? About a month ago
4. Do you like your handwriting? Yes, very much.
5. What is your favourite meat? Favourite meat, me?? – Holy Cow!!
6. What is your most embarrassing CD on your shelf? Would you believe – a CD of Taal
7. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Ya. Most definitely. Two-three years ago, absolutely not.
8.Are you a daredevil? I would like to think so.
9. How do you release anger? Screaming on Angel, punching the wall, holding my breath till I nearly pass out… mostly by sleeping it off
10. Where is your second home? Used to be JU at one point of time… Now, it’s more like the computer-chair I am sitting on.
11. Do you trust others easily? Not really.
12. What was your favourite toy as a child? G.I.Joes, man they kicked ass!!
13. What class in school/college do you think is totally useless?
School/college – classes? What the…!!
14. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
I sure hope I do. Either that… or stupid PJs.
15. Have you ever been in a mosh pit?
Not been to too many concerts… am in Kolkata, what do you expect??
16. What do you look for in a guy/girl?
A personality which reflects that the person is at ease with himself/herself. I cant really stand people with identity-issues!
17. Would you bungee jump? Hell – YA!!!
18. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? never
19. What's your favourite ice cream? The choco-bar.
20. What are your favourite colours? Blue, white… bright green
21. What are your least favourite things?
Indian Idol & all such crap-fests, in fact anything on primetime in Indian television. And of course, Missed calls – seriously, what’s the deal with that?? Harry Potter fans who think they own the world… & well, people who love Karan Joahrish movies!!
22. How many people do you have a crush on right now?
Jennifer Connelly.
The babe who anchors the IFL shows on Zee Sports.
23. Who do you miss most right now?
No one really.
24. What are you listening to right now? Wicked Game – Chriss Isack
25. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Dark blue.
26. What is the weather like right now? A cool, humid night.
27. Last person you talked to on the phone? Angel.
28. The "first" thing you notice about the opposite sex?
The ass. I am sorry, call me a chauvinist… but I am crazy about the female ass. For me you maybe the hottest chic in town, but a flat butt just aint good enough!!
29. Do you like the person who sent you this?
Fellow-blogger, who visits my page with considerable regularity… what do u think? Of course I like her… more like obliged & grateful!!
30. How are you today?
Dirty, unshaven and funny pink (aftermath of holi) ... lazing around on the bed since I got up at noon. (yes, I know Iam disgusting!!)
31. Favourite non alcoholic drink?
Mazaa
32. Favourite alcoholic drink?
Beer. Hell Yeah!!!
33. Natural hair colour? Regular
34. Eye colour? Regular.
35. Wear contacts?
No. Never… you cant take me alive I tell you. Never!!
36. Siblings? A darling, hardly-ever-heard-of sister… married happily!
37. Favourite month? August!
38. Favourite food? Pizzas, Beef-steaks, Rajma-biryani, arhar dal & rice.
39. Favourite day of the year?
I don’t know… that’s a weird one.
40. Have you ever been too shy to ask someone out?
No, but more often than not have had my foot in my mouth as a result!
41. Scary movies or happy endings?
Neither. Practical endings in non-scary movies.
42. Summer or winter?
Neither. It’s monsoon.
43. Do you want your friends to write back?
Why wouldn’t I?
44. Who is most likely to respond?
Let's see... Aragorn, Piku (shristi lover), Teleute (hot babe)
45. What book/magazine are you reading?
Catch-22 - Joseph Heller
Salmon of Doubt – Douglas Adams
Essentials of Hinduism – Swami Vivekananda
Work and its secrets – Swami Vivekananda
Jokhun choto chilam (when I was young) – Satyajit Ray
46. What's on your mouse pad?
Marvel Machine Tools Pvt Ltd … & pictures of drill-tap machines, moulding machines, brandsaw machines… etc etc. Did I mention I come from a family of cheap-skates & we make use of whatever free-stuff we can get our greasy paws on!!
47. What did you watch on TV last night?
Lord of the Rings – The twin towers
48. Favourite Smell?
Can I be crude here… please… please! *chickens out at the last moment* Unlit tobacco, the whiff of a lit match-stick, the Pizza-Hut smell on a hungry stomach, also new paper.
49. Have you ever regretted breaking up with someone?
No but I sincerely hope they’ve done so!!
50. Most tiresome thing you’ve ever experienced/done?
*Naughty-Naughty* No, but seriously… has to be a trek through the Keoladeo Bird Sanctuary(hope I spelt it right) in Bharatpur, Rajasthan.

Finished- 00:12 AM (though the editing the post took much longer)

And I tag...

A-List
Aragorn
Babelfish (if she does visit here)
Teleute (likewise)
Piku
SIN
srin
Trina
and Vincent... if he's not already tagged by Anna
and anyone else who wants to go ahead.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

A job application...

The Essay: Why I will send my daughter to a B-school but not my son

Reason #1: Average life-expectancy of women is greater than men. Thus, my daughter is likely to outlive my son - more value for money!

Reason #2: My son will be too busy on his way to train as tennis athlete in USA and become a millionaire by the time he is 23.

Reason #3: Owing to bad genes inherited from her father, my daughter will not be applicable to try out as a model/actress. Thus, the only other way of her making it big surely would be to bag a MBA degree from a reputed B-school

Reason #4:
My wife being the radical feminist she is, won't let me send my son to a B-school. Her argument is we cannot afford to spend a fortune for a MBA on both our children. So, to make up for the gross injustice and centuries of denied opportunities to women... it would be only fair we go with our daughter. If only to symbolically make up for the injustices of patriarchy!

Reason #5: Iam just too scared of my wife! (read reason #4 again)

Reason #6:
My son is a Liverpool fan.

Reason #7:
My future son-in-law's grand plan for supporting my daughter is by banking on the clauses of my final will.

Reason #8: Chetan Bhagat became a published (and popular - the two necessarily do not go hand in hand) writer after a MBA. I feel a B-school education is just what my daughter needs to win the next Booker for India.

My son on the other hand cannot stop doodling unmentionable sketches on his writing pad.

Reason #9: Pagalgirl.com** - of course, males are second class-citizens not deserving a space of their own. If Pagalguy thinks this way... must be true. No use financing his B-school education then.

Reason #10: Mr Desai, my neighbour has promised me a handsome discount on a brand new taxi. Of course it's a known fact that lawyers and taxi-drivers rule the world. So being a concerned and caring father...
PS: They wanted a sample of my writing, had to mail a 300-350 word essay on the given topic. So this is what went in... hehe!! Great 1st impressions na!!
** Pagalguy.com, where I've applied for the job are planning a "forum" of some sort called Pagalgirl.com - where as you've guessed it... no guys are allowed!! :)

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Flirting-shirting, Hai Rabba!!

For a country which gave the world the Kamasutra & where population-control is a problem... we sure as hell suck at flirting! I mean seriously what is wrong with us Indians? Those smooth-talking, suave knock-you-off-your-feet Sean Connery kind of guys are never-ever found... and an even more scarce is the species of the classy and articulate, sassy and dressed to kill bombshells.

I mean nobody really expects a James Bond to bump into you everytime you go out for a party or just a night out at the local pub. But once in a while it sure as hell would be nice to meet (depending of course on your sex & your *ahem* preferences) a girl who doesnt use palmistry as a pretext for holding hands, and a guy who doesnt claim to have met you before.

Make no mistake, I've met some girls who are quite good at flirting casually. But they usually dont know what to do when this little game goes on for a while. It's like somehow as soon as the bar is raised a little, they become defensive and push you off.

Guys have of course entirely different problems. Rather than becoming defensive, they move in far too quickly... scaring off the already timid girl. All in all it makes for a nation of absolutely gawky flirters!

So, waht if we are bad-flirters naturally. We can always learn, right? Wrong.

Think of the "Mujhse dosti karoge"-types who come up & mouth "Do you want to make phrendsip (friendship) with me?" - complete of course with the vertical outstretched handshake as popularised by Hrithik Roshan in Kaho Na Pyar Hai. And then of course there are these more sweet than sugar girls, who chat online to find their dream-lover! Think... flirty chatting sessions & the background romantic song playing, as the girl tosses and tumbles in her bed while hugging a pillow!

Arghhh! Thank you Karan Johar and your army of cocksuckers for presenting such corny stereotypes as rolemodels for flirting to this already sorry country.

See, flirting is an art. You have to be a confident, articulate... and well one hell of a tease to be a good flirt. The word "tease" of course is something that is alien to us... unless of course you add an "eve" before it. Come to think of it... even then it's pretty unheard of - atleast in the common lexicon!

But I think there is such scarcity of people who can flirt well, simply because their true worth is not appreciated. A slut and a desperate-to-be-laid guy, will always find each other... doesnt really matter who says what. And since the forces of demand and supply (read scarcity and abundance respectively) are so thoroughly skewed in one direction... such things as decent flirting as a leadup to a great hook-up, are unheard of.

Ah, but for the misery of not having enough decent people to flirt with...

Disclaimer: Yes, Iam a natural flirt but I value fidelity more. So this post is not about me whining about not "getting to flirt"... but just an observation on people in our country in general :)

An Important Update:
Rewind back to my 6th march post for the Blanknoise project... I hereby officially apologise for my outrageous behaviour. Actually a certain Anonymous has let me know that I was trying to act like I was caught in a Bollywood movie and that the women in general enjoy being teased.

Of course, my eyes have been opened by these new revelations which had not previously occured to me. I mean of course I love shitting my pants while playing Shahrukh Khan & I had no business trying to speak up for a girl who was actually enjoying the whole experience, just to live my Bollywood dream.

But being the hypocrite Iam, I did not thank the person in question... rather spoke to him in a manner which he interpreted as "RUDE". But thinking that most readers of the blog would have missed his remarkable insights since the post is dead.... I thought it was my duty to let my readers in on such profound observations.

Do drop in if you have time to spare, and thank Anonymous here for putting conceited idiots like me in their place!

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Why...

... is it SO hard for women to understand men?? No, seriously. I know there is a sizeable female readership of this blog *ahem ahem* so maybe someone can shed some light on this.

No, this isn't going to be a oh-my-girlfriend-and-I-had-another-fight kind of post. Nor does it seek to be a Men are from Mars & Women are from Lala-land kinda shit either. So if you have theories on the latter please do not invoke my wrath (which as said earlier, is readily invokable these days). Oh & also, do not explain these on the basis of zodiac, vaasthu-thu, feng-shoes, african pagan beliefs, or any of such voodoo mumbo-jumboo.

Right. So now that it is out of the way, we can actually come back again to fundamental question that is "why"! For example, if I guy wants to stay up all night to watch a soccer match involving a team from Spain and another from England and in the process misses his class in the morning... why do girls get mad at that? I mean I know. I'll be rational... for most girls Spain & England are good countries, easy to spell & pronounce & full of hot men... so essentially no problems. But it is still beyond most to understand why someone fromIndia who's never actually watched an East Bengal-Mohan Bagan derby, could have interest in such a clash?

Understandable.

But we guys, we dont understand a lot of things about girls either. For example, why is it "necessary" to wear kajal everyday? Why for example girls are so fussy about their hair, why they choose such hideous colours for their nails and pray why in the Lord's name do they consider wearing spectacles "nerdy" inspite of having the shit fucked out of their eyes by their stupid contact lenses!

On such matters, we just clam up and shrug... look the other way and say to ourselves - "must be a girl thing". Or we just clam up & start fantasising about the comparative boob-sizes of *you fill the name of the female celebs according to ur tastes*. We dont ask silly questions on the lines of "What's so interesting? There is no Indian player involved."

Oh and another thing, when girls go on and on about how their day was down to the last, sad detail - in full details - why is it that they are never satisfied with the guy's performance while "listening" to them. You participate too much, then you are accused of not letting her speak... You dont participate at all & of course you are a pig.

"You'll never understand" - Pat. The bulletproof response when confronted with what is the ideal course of action in such a situation!

What I dont get is, most guys are just glad that we have someone to listen to our shit. We dont go on and on about "how they should be listening". With so many games & boobs in the world, it's hard to keep our concentration going you know!

Why can't girls ever get that??

PS: Any attempts to as much as even mention "Hum Tum" in the comments section will automatically earn the right to be regarded by good ol Freaky Chakra as having an IQ level below 10, in which case he shall volunteer to register (all costs borne) the person in to some reputable "special-home".

PS#2: No. This is not my fight with my girlfriend... but you are free to interpret it whichever way you choose to ;)

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Crap...

... looks like Iam having a serious anger-management problem of late. & trust me, it's not half as cool and fashionable as it sounds.

PS: In a seperate incident, Chelsea bowed out of the Champions League to Barcelona. Felt really heartbroken, not so much because they lost... I've seen them loose before. But because we met our match, outclassed and run over!

Angel's advice: dont take soccer so seriously, teams are bound to loose. Sometimes the simplest advice is the hardest one to comprehend.

Crap!

Monday, March 06, 2006

Blanknoise Project - Why there are no Superheroes!

Have been reading up a lot on eve-teasing and related sexual crimes recently owing mainly to the Blanknoise project to create awareness about the issue. I think a "blogathon" on the issue is a great idea. But I decided to do something different with my spot on this blogathon.

I have read a lotta posts regarding experiences of eve-teasing & quite frankly some have been quite disconcerting. But suggestions like castration and the like aside, I wanted to consider why these offenders can be so brazen with their ways. Without falling into the trap of providing statistics, I refuse to believe that a majority of men are eve-teasers, even though most may think it's ok because "she asked for it".

I think the reason why they are so brazen is... the same reason why all criminals/fundamentalists/etc etc are so brazen - the silent majority will not as much as raise a finger to stop them unless they feel that their safety is not being compromised.

Two seperate incidents to make my point (both of which are NOT fiction by the way)

Incident #1:

This happened 3 years ago, when I was still in class XII. I was waiting on this bus stop (La Marts near Minto Park, Kolkata) for a bus home from school. There was also these two slightly shady looking characters who were singing the usual "ek ladki ko dekha to" songs directed to this young college-going female, not beyond her 1st year Iam sure.

Then perhaps taking courage from the apathy of the other people present (there were about 7-8 men), the comments became more personal. They started openly discussing about her boobs & what they wanted do to them. The girl tried to put a brave front by ignoring them altogether but the comments actually became more crude, to the point that a few people present actually started giggling. It was really bad & I actually felt embarrassed, so I spoke up.

Freaky Chakra: Eita ki oshobhotami korchen apnara? (What is this indecency?)

Eve-teaser#1: Beshi rongbaji dekhabi na... nijer kaaj kor (crudely translated - dont cross your line, & mind your own business)

FC: Rongbaji apnara dekhachen (You guys are crossing lines, not me)
ETs: Ki bolchis (what did u say?)

At this the two gentlemen walked upto me, shorter and frailer than them both & still in my school uniform. One of them shoved me, while the other caught my school tie & slapped me twice. Hard. The first made me see stars, the second left me dizzy. All the while they kept hurling the most dirty swear words ever designed by man, questioning everything from my family lineage to my mother & sister's modesty.

A crowd immediately gathered, like crowds always do. Nobody... said anything when they could've easily overpowered the two. Being a busy street, a cop soon came on the scene. He was one of those traffic constable guys. That I felt relieved to see him, would be a gross understatement. When he enquired what was going on... this is what the ETs told him - (translated into english for convinience)

"This kid here is looking for trouble (baawali korche)"

I protested trying to say that I was only trying to protect the girl being eve-teased pointing to the person questioned. She had been watching the whole scene with anxious concern so far. When the cop asked her... (believe it or not) this is what she said -

"I dont know anything. I was just waiting for the bus". No kidding bitch! Which part did you miss? Them plotting how to treat you worse than a common street whore, or me getting slapped & abused for trying to protest? Waiting for the bus - How convinient!

Amazingly, not one of the poeple in the crowd (there musta been about 20 poeple there) uttered a word, even though they all knew what had happened. The ETs started yelling and asked the cop to arrest me & shit. I was shit scared and started crying. Of course the cop knew what was going on & he wasnt gonna arrest me, but I was just plain hysteric.

Get a load of this... I had to actually APOLOGISE to those two, before being let-off with a "warning"!!!!!!
*
I was pretty badly shaken up after this, and it was atleast a few months after this that I came to peace with myself. I can sort of understand now why the girl did that, but even so I do not think I forgive her for doing so. And as for the others in the crowd, letting a school kid getting madhandled by a couple of goons... well, that is the reason why nobody ever stops from anyone from feeling up your daughters & sisters! That is the reason why there are no "superheroes"!!

Incident #2:

I felt that the 1st one was kind of depressing & negative, so I wanted to share another experience which ended on a more positive note

This happened fairly recently, after I had joined college. I was returning home in a bus one day. It was very crowded and there was this fairly young female standing near my seat. Just behind her stood a slightly tallish middle-aged man, evidently drunk and evidently falling a little too much her inspite of the crowded bus & its lurching movement. The girl gave him quite a number of intimidating, dirty looks and her share of "pich-pich" sounds, but this man was not fazed and kept on sort of dry humping her back every time the bus swerved a little.

I had had enough. I got up & offered my seat to the thankful female & positioned myself between the drunk & her. Instead of being discouraged he fell over me even more in an attempt to gain access to her. His drunk breath gave me further assurance, that in case of any trouble I could "handle" this person. Iam sure a lot of others felt the same because they too started giving him stares. Outnumbered, he sobered up for the moment.

When the girl got up to leave... he too made for the exit. Even though it was some 5-6 bus stops away from my home, I got down too so I could keep an eye on what happened. As soon as we got down, this guy moved forward and caught the girl by her hand. She raised an alarm. I got involved immediately as did a two others who had got down at the same stop.

Seeing that the ET was a) Drunk, and b) outnumbered... a few more people in the vicinity also joined in and soon there was a big crowd and it was open season for everyone. Blacken his face said someone, take him to the police said someone else.

But the girl in question just quickly dismissed the whole thing and hurriedly disappeared from the spot. Seeing that the victim was not interested in the ET, the crowd to let him off... & I was back where it all started.

What I could not understand why, inspite of having such a huge crowd backing her did that female not take the bastard to the police! Of course good girls from good families dont get involved in such a mess.

Overheard after the entire fracas:
"Basically they are all sluts, they enjoy all this... that is why they never do anything about it".

I couldnt help but wonder, if the guy was not drunk and alone, if I would've had the courage to be as upfront as I was. But what about these two females? They had been personally wronged. Why could they not speak up? Why could they not do something about it?

Why could they not do anything to be labelled as victims and not sluts?

Ways to Kill Karan Johar


10. Throw him in a cauldron full of pirhanas
9. Electrocute his nipples
8. Conduct an experiment on field rats... how much of Karan Johar they can eat? As an extra incentive, just out of spite u can watch the rats die out of toxic poisoning from eating his flesh.
7. Give him a brain -transplant with a mountain goat & make him watch his own movies. (Mountain goats are supposedly smarter than him)
6. Does anyone remember reading a report in The Telegraph about how the lions at the Alipore Zoo were ill-fed?
5. Make him smell his own breath. Or better still lock him in a room without his deodrant. (He stinks so much)
4.Shoot Him
3. Failed your driving test again?
2. An experimental surgery to replace facial tissue with grape jelly... NO!! You gotta be kiddin me man! No way some intelligent, self-aware man can ever volunteer for that.
1. Impale him on a tall, well-oiled pole blunted enuf to ensure it doesnt pierce thru his asshole very fast. But wait... he'd enjoy that right?

PS: This is from my old blog. Megha sparked off the revival of this post by suggesting that the monster in question should be shot in a very tender place... hehe! So, here you are... cheers!

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Sorry... Eggjactly - argghh!!

It started innocently... and no one suspected that it would be such a bloody rage. Javed Jaferi, (dont know the spelling) - one of my underdog favourites of Bollywood started it. Normally Iam very happy when people like Javed, Arshad Warsi and all get acknowledged by the masses... I mean surely these people deserve it more than the horrors that are unleashed upon us in the name of Tushar Kapoor, Uday Chopra, Lara Dutta, etc.

But it is the classic example of a good thing gone bad due to over-indulgence. Iam talking about the annoying craze among the junta to constantly respond to "sorry" with an "egg-jactly" ala Javed in the hit 2005 movie - Salaam Namaste.

Now here are a few facts that Freaky-Chakra insists that people should consider before indulging in the very same -
  1. Stop. It's not funny anymore. You should get the clue when every second person speaks like that.
  2. It's supposed to be spontaneous. If you try and channel a conversation towards a "sorry", so you can interject... then it looks plain stupid.
  3. You are not Javed Jaaferi... so chances are you will look stupid anyways.

And it's not just the "sorry-eggjactly" phenomenon. It's like suddenly it is fashionable to speak in crooked english - "Iam the walking to my home"... "My girlfriends is goings to gets angry withs me" & so on, you get the idea.

It's like so annoying, everytime a movie comes out with some "cleverly" designed phrase to get accepted as a part of daily lexicon - Lo & Behold! The masses just swallow it up! Like gullible little idiots... they just swallow it up.

Remember that monster Karan Johar? Good. Take for an example his last movie Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham. Suddenly the phrase "Take a chill-pill" became like a rage, because the characters in the film kept repeating it like parrots in the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate diction. I mean you could almost see that hideous grin of that monster as he probably bragged at all the social get-togethers he visited that season - see, I introduced this term to India!!"

And just when you think it couldnt get any worse... Pizza Hut have adopted the lingo & the man behind the lingo (Javed) for an atrociously designed ad-campaign "Pizza Hut treats, you just cant beats!" & the same person was also appointed as a host for the filmfare awards where he could do the same routine again. I mean, don't people feel bored? Frustrated? Violent?

Uff, I feel the need to box someone real hard!!

PS #1: I havent seen Salaam Namaste, I have disowned my sister for having drugged and dragged me to Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham & my knowledge of the Filmfare awards comes only from the rushes I saw on TV.

PS #2: In a completely unrelated topic... there is a big awareness drive going on to sensitise people about the evils of eve-teasing and related sexual crimes against women. Contribute your opinions, comments, testimonies, etc as a part of the Blanknoise Project blogathon on 7th March, 06 on your Blog.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

FRIENDS, the finale...

Saw something today, which I did not really think would've made me sad. I had been following the last few episodes of FRIENDS on star world this past week. Yesterday was the last episode of the series which like me, so many others thw world over had made a part of their life.

Today... was the "post-taping" episode, where all the six come together for a final chat with Oprah at the Central Perk coffee house set. And inspite of myself I completely expected it to be a totally sappy show where everyone says nice things about everyone else and to some extent it was so.

Jennifer Aniston referring to "Ross and Rachel" as completely different people and being very gaurded about saying too much of the other half of the most famous televised couple ever. But inspite of myself I continued watching...

... and by the end, I felt really sad. Not the tear in eyes and lump in throat kind of sad... but the plain, old-fashioned sadness. There was never going to be another new season of FRIENDS!!

Hmmm.

I just wish they ahd been given a more elegant sendoff on Indian television. A lot of people did not even know of these final episodes on Star World, and not many followed it when they were airing it on Zee English. Anyways, tomorrow there is another episode (actually the entire last episode of one hour is being telecast over two days), where they tour their sets and the like.

The last time... somehow, it's always romantic and nostalgic to refer to finality and seek closure.


PS: The "final-bow" from the last episode - Not their best pic I would imagine... but certainly their last together as Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, Monica, Rachel and Joey.

Thanks guys, cya around...

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

10 better things to do than googling for Maria Sharapova

10. Go desi: Try Sania instead!
9. Study for tomorrow's exam on Indian Foreign Policy (...##@!!!)
8. Get some sleep. (no wait... that aint better than Sharapova)
7. Remind yourself of the futility of the exercise... you'll never get to see her in three-dimensions
6. Write to your cousins!
5. Practise & finally learn to play "Every breath you take" on the guitar.
4. Change the CD in the tray... listening to the Nirvana playlist for the 6th straight time, is an assault on the ears
3. Think of better posts for your blog
2. Reminding yourself that the loo is three rooms away & any mess created shall have to duly explained the next day to a questioning mother and a suspicious maid.

Oh & now for the BIG one...

1. Googling for Maria Sharapova after inserting the words "free nude pics" in the search!